God Foresaken

I finally had time to write on here what God said to me last weekend. I was away, helping to lead a Youth Alpha weekend. Part of the weekend away is a chance to recieve more of the Holy Spirit.

I sat there in the prayer room, in my 'holy' stance, waiting on Him. It was the first time I'd let Him speak to me a while...I knew that we had business to do.

When Rhys broke up with me, I couldn't bare talking to Him, I don't know why, I just couldn't, perhaps it was a defense mechanism, I couldn't cry in front of my friends either. I knew He understood though, that He knew eventually I would come to Him and I did. I poured my heart out and quickly "zoned out" before He had a chance to speak. I knew I couldn't bare to listen to advice from someone who wasn't bias towards me, from someone who I knew would tell me the truth.

Anyway there I was, petrified of the condemnation I knew I deserved and it suddenly hit me...here I was waiting for my big telling off: 'stop gossiping and bitching about him', 'it wasn't all his fault', 'you've got to forgive him'. Instead I got a picture of love and excitement...I knew my Father wouldn't let someone I loved so much go without a good reason. Everytime it hurts, I'm reminded of how better my adventure is going to be.

I was also reminded of His wisdom. Although I hate to admit it, the timing was right, I knew I could handle this now.

Then on the last morning, we had communion and again I had a realisation...this is what it means to follow God. That was so scary...Jesus challenged people to pick up their cross and follow Him...as much as that? To be willing to do what He did? I knew I'd kept God at a safe distance for a while, where I wouldn't have to make sacrifices for Him. I prayed a dangerous prayer :' Make me broken, take away anything that hinders my work for You'. It scares me to know what might come of this prayer, Joni Eareckson Tada prayed a similar prayer and look how much it cost her! I'm excited and scared at the same time. I know God works through me best when I'm broken, truely truely 'I have nothing else to do but come to You' broken...I'm excited at what this will mean though!

I'm working on becoming willing to be 'God foresaken'.

I'll finish off this post with words I had from Him on Saturday night:
'I told you I'd use the pain Princess'.